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Querencia

In my last letter I included this quote, from G. Severino: “I am my own querencia. I am my own home. I am my own sounding board. I am my own soulmate. And what a beautiful feeling to carry with me . . . ”

I only looked up the meaning of the word “querencia” after sending the letter out, simply because I loved all the rest of the quote. But now that I’ve found the definition, I love the word itself, very much.

Wikipedia calls the word “a Spanish metaphysical concept. 1. Emotional inclination toward someone or something. 2. Tendency in people and animals to return to the place where they grew up. . . It has also been defined as ‘homing instinct, a favorite place.'”

This is available as a card or a print.

It is a layered word packed with meaning. Other interpretations include: to want, like, love; fondness; favorite haunt of an animal (the place where a bull goes in a bullfight, for safety); the place where one feels most secure, where you find your strength of character and feel at home; the place where you are your most authentic self.

I love all of this, as well as its use in Severino’s quote from On the Verge, a journal-style novella. He is his own soulmate, his own favorite place, his own strength, carried with him wherever he goes. True inner strength!

I found his words when I searched last week for a quote about journaling, more specifically that beautiful Morning Pages ritual that I keep, that has sustained me for the past 26 years and that continues to surprise and support me. That is my querencia, my strength, my favorite place/time/haunt, the place where I feel my most authentic self. That is where I gather myself together, with words, pen to paper, my two dogs close by. My haven, my sanctuary. My querencia.

Do I carry it with me? Not sure. Probably not. But I’d like to. Things certainly do jostle one throughout a day–the news, petty disagreements and slights that should be easily shaken off, misspoken words that one regrets, discourteous or unkind encounters, a sick dog or friend, even tech irritations and drama on the pickleball court. All these things lure us away from our center. Life, in other words. Life happens. But in the morning at least I have my querencia before I venture forth.

What is it that makes you feel your strongest and most authentic self? Go and do it right now. Do it as much as you can.

“The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.” – Maya Angelou

“I’m safe inside this container called me.” ― Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

“Perhaps home is not a place but simply an irrevocable condition.” ― James Baldwin, Giovanni’s Room

If you’re looking for my cards or art, you’ll find all of that on my website. If you enjoy these letters, feel free to forward this one to anyone you think might like it. And if someone forwarded this one to you, you can sign up here to receive the letters right in your Inbox. Finally, you’ll find past letters and poems here.

Thanks for listening,
Kay

P.S. MerryThoughts is the name of my first book, out of print at the moment. The word is a British one, referring both to a wishbone and to the ritual of breaking the wishbone with the intention of either having a wish granted or being the one who marries first, thus the “merry thoughts.”

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Jury Duty

I recently had to report for jury duty or, more specifically, jury selection. I was so unhappy about it. The very first day of that week, I had to go in. Ugh. I had to be there by 8:00 a.m. Thus, my dogs would get the bum’s rush with a tiny walk. Miles and I would not have a woodland walk at all. And I would have no time for meditation. I would be showering and dressing up in proper clothes (not my everyday dirty old hiking pants, boots, and a hat) before you could rub two sticks together! Again, ugh. And I would have to be among people–strangers–at 8:00 in the morning, smiling and nodding, or even quietly chatting. Not talking with familiar Others about our dogs or the weather or what was blooming in the woods that day. No, with strangers about who knows what. I cannot begin to tell how unhappy I was about all of it.

First, let me say that I know I’m incredibly lucky that these are things that I don’t have to do every day, like some–many–okay, most people. I know I’m tremendously lucky to be going on woodland walks with my dog practically every single day. I am very conscious of that fact every morning, as I drive past the hospital to get there. Most of the other drivers I see are off to work. I just hope they like their jobs.

Anyway, knowing I am lucky I still felt put upon. Grumble grumble grumble. Because of Covid, we had our temperatures taken and there were extra rules and precautions in place. Good! We were not all crammed into a small room but instead, taken into the courtroom and seated spaced apart. Our county was under a mask mandate, anyway, so everyone wore masks–everyone, that is, except the judge. Because . . . ? Grr. The two lawyers who performed the voir dire also removed their masks when they were performing (yes, performing), even though they had microphones. Because . . . ? Grumble grumble grumble!!

I had to sit in a chair for hours. My feet did not touch the floor. I had to endure inane questions posed by the lawyers, endless answers from all the jurors, and Good Old Boy humor from the maskless judge. Since it was a civil case of sex discrimination, I said that yes, I believe sex discrimination exists and yes, it has happened to me, and in fact I believe it happens all the time, and furthermore, I would find it hard to believe that there was a single woman in the room who had not experienced sex discrimination. A potential juror claimed he had been convicted of a felony. The maskless judge dismissed him rather quickly. Well played, Stranger.

I held my breath and crossed the fingers of both hands as they read off the numbers of the jurors who had been chosen, who would be staying, possibly UNTIL 6:30 P.M., the maskless judge had said. And for two or three more days! Please oh please. I listened. I closed my eyes. My number was not among them. Whoosh! The held breath escaped from my lungs in a rush and I managed to refrain from jumping up and down, shouting, or high five-ing the lady next to me.

I had been at the Courthouse for just five hours. But I was so eager to get HOME with my dogs and my son and my familiar things all around. Free! I was free!! My joy and relief were palpable. In a crazy way, I felt as if I had been released from several weeks of confinement. I hugged my dogs, took off those clothes, and rattled on and on to my son about how it was and how relieved I was to finally(!) be home again. Home in my own home. My dogs. My son. My things. My yard. My home. As if I had endured something huge and difficult and very long-lasting.

I am clearly very spoiled.
If you’re looking for my cards or art, you’ll find all of that on my website. And if you enjoy these letters, feel free to forward this one to anyone you think might like it. Finally, you’ll find past letters and poems here.

Thanks for listening,
Kay

P.S. MerryThoughts is the name of my first book, out of print at the moment. The word is a British one, referring both to a wishbone and to the ritual of breaking the wishbone with the intention of either having a wish granted or being the one who marries first, thus the “merry thoughts.”
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Home Sweet Home

I made a rough watercolor of the cabin my sister and I stayed in at the bottom of the Grand Canyon 3 years ago.

My brother sent a photo and news video recently about a house we lived in as kids (below). There had been a fire and the friends and neighbors were rallying to help out the family. That house was not much when we lived there, and the story brought back a flood of memories.

We moved there when I was 7 years old. It was a tiny little house in a rundown neighborhood on the outskirts of St. Louis. But we had loads of fun there. I remember that very well. The house had an upstairs, more of an attic, divided into two parts. My three brothers had the side with a sliding door and we four girls shared an even tinier space with no door. We girls slept head to foot in two hospital beds our Aunt Marie, a nurse, had acquired. And we had a ton of fun, even in that tiny room. We played a sort of football game on the beds with rolled up socks, a game I’m pretty sure I made up, dubbed Hike 44. Though we were jealous of the boys’ “bigger” bedroom, we enjoyed invading their territory when they weren’t around.

Our house, sixty years after we lived there.

We’d moved there from a house my parents owned, in which all seven of us kids slept in the same bedroom. That neighborhood was nicer, though, and there was a white fence across the front and a patio my Dad had made in back, with large squares of different colors of concrete. Apparently, Dad had intended for us all to move back to California, where he was from, and he sold that house. But something fell through and we were stuck. So we moved into that little tiny rental, where Dad used to say if you were sitting on one side of the living room you’d be touching knees with whomever was sitting on the other side. We lived there for three years.

There were two houses past us to the east, and beyond them an empty lot that we took advantage of, for all sorts of adventures. Another great feature was the ditch on the other side of the house. All for our fun. We played cars and trucks in that ditch, dared each other to jump across, and had even more fun when it rained, making little streams, dams, and lakes. There were many times when I couldn’t bear to go in for dinner. That is also the house where we girls played the game of being witches, wearing a blanket or sheet on our shoulders and running around the yard, under that characteristic Midwest pre-thunderstorm green-grey sky. As tiny and cramped as that house was, we had all kinds of fun there.

I photographed this interesting house on a trip to Montana with my siblings.

Across the street from us were Mr. and Mrs. Fredericks, an older couple with no children. I was a very shy little girl, but for some reason I spent time at their house, just on my own. They had a sink in their basement, which I found very unusual, and she pronounced it “zink,” which was also interesting to me. One time I bragged to Mrs. Fredericks that my waist was 24” (apparently not bothered that made me a rather chubby little girl). She couldn’t believe it and said she’d give me a quarter if it was true. She took out her measuring tape and I got my quarter!

I bet my parents were pretty unhappy to have landed there with seven kids all crammed together. I’m pretty sure I would have been, had I been the adult. I might even have felt a bit desperate. I wonder if they knew how little it mattered to us kids?

It was just one of the four houses we lived in when I was growing up and definitely the lowliest. But it was still home to us kids and I have many fond memories of living there.

“You haven’t really been anywhere until you’ve got back home.”

― Terry Pratchett, The Light Fantastic

If you’re looking for my cards or art, you’ll find all of that on my website. And if you like this letter, you’ll find past letters and poems on my blog. And if you know someone who would enjoy these letters, go ahead and forward this one!

Thanks for listening,
Kay

P.S. MerryThoughts is the name of my first book, out of print at the moment. The word is a British one, referring both to a wishbone and to the ritual of breaking the wishbone with the intention of either having a wish granted or being the one who marries first, thus the “merry thoughts.”

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Dog Love

Sunless soaked day finds me at home

(where I belong) one day early

prisoner released for good behavior

remanded to the custody of my two dogs

whose unkempt curly faces shower me

with love I may not deserve.  But wait,

hold on there, I take that back.  No matter

what or who, we all deserve the particular

love of dogs.

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Peter’s Birthday

Nearly autumn

home back home again

music drifting through the open window

and what I hope was not another gunshot

in my neighborhood in what once was

my safe little town where I raised three sons

without too much worry, one of whom has

a birthday today a quiet one I’m thinking

because of because and I wish I was there

to bake him a nice little cake crank up

some ice cream sing a merry tune

hold his slim self in my arms on

his own birthday that is today.

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Home Again

How simple a thing it is to be at home

again where one’s heart is

to occupy one’s own bed, the covers skimming

one’s bones as they are known to do

the familiar clock and lamp at the elbow

the special mug for tea now full now empty

to see the neighbor’s green house outside the window

to feel upon one’s thigh the known weight of a beloved dog

whose two baby teeth lie downstairs in a small blue bowl

where they could be found, admired, touched

whenever one wanted.

How simple how simply grand.

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Two Years Ago

Two years ago this day I brought
my handsome silverblack dog home
to start a life with me and here
he lies curled up beside me
beautiful young chap whose name
(given by my friend who died
five months later my friend whose
need led me to him) suits his
personality to a T.  Imminently
imperturbable eager to please
pleasantly eager loving friendly
sweet-tempered mild-mannered
Miles.